Facing Addiction: Kindness

Louis Taylor is a media, content creator who owes and operates Shining Trauma Pictures.  In this episode he discusses  what it was like to grow-up with traumas from anti Black experiences, how he coped  and why he developed ways to be kind to others.

WARNING! This podcast contains swearing,  discussions about violence and drug use which may be triggering to some audiences. Audience discretion is advised.   If anything you heard in this podcast is triggering for you, please go to https://workmanarts.com/resources/mental-health-resources/ for a list of mental health resources.

Transcript

Louis Taylor  00:01

I just want to say one thing about the kindness thing. In my neighborhood, everyone kind of -- especially a couple years ago when I fronted that I care about people -- everyone in my neighborhood was like: 'Oh my God, he's such a great guy. He's such a great guy.' What they didn't realize is that decorum and manners are my version of a Glock or an Uzi. It's, it's like, it's my weapon against the bullshit I know you could be putting on me, right. And I treat it as a weapon.

L Lovell  00:36

Warning. This podcast contains swearing, discussions around violence, drugs, and alcohol use, which may be triggering to some audiences. Audience discretion is advised. As we acknowledge that this content may be difficult for some, we encourage you to care for your mental health, and overall well being. If anything you hear in this podcast was triggering for you, please go to workmanarts.com resources for a list of mental health resources. Take care. And enjoy this podcast series, Facing Addiction.

L Lovell  01:28

Louis Taylor creates media content for his company, Shining Trauma Pictures Inc. It's all in the name. He's a smart, chatty man, and holds unconventional views about living and life. Views that fall within the parameters of many harm reduction programs and services; programs and services that seek to reduce harm through non-judgmental, non-coercive ways to enhance skills and knowledge to live safer and healthier lives.

Louis Taylor  01:58

My father was a brilliant man. I asked him one time when I was younger, when did you pull it together? And he looked at me and said, 'You never pull it together. You just get used to it.' And that's, that's kind of where I've come to; you know, I'm messed up in a hell of a lot of ways. But I'm okay with it because I'm looking around me; I'm not seeing too many people in in sweet spots. You know, I actually- have I? Like, do you know anyone who's not fronting? 

Louis Taylor  02:42

I've been raised by parents that were very loving and open. They were as close as you could get at the time for black folk, to you know, new age hippie types although my old man was, was rough. He was a social worker, probation officer working with drug addicts and speed freaks and, and biker gangs. So, you know, I was I had actually, like, we had bikers and, you know, all kinds of petty thieves and, what have you, that my father had turned around that we're almost part of the family. So I'd always been around, you know, what some people might consider the hardcore. But I also grew up in a working class white neighbourhood that was becoming white. It was ethnics. It was the Kelsie Irish, English, Scots, against the Italians, Portuguese and what have you. And then there was this Black thing. So we got, we got, uh, hammered. 

Louis Taylor  03:48

I'd been raised to believe that human beings are human, like, you know, all of that. Let's, let's all get together and live in harmony stuff. Although my father, you know, he had an alcohol problem as well. But let me preface because- so much of this depends on the time and the place. When I was coming up, if you didn't drink, no one trusted you. Right, as a male. Men were supposed to drink and get wasted. Right, especially on a working-class level. And so I was doing drugs and alcohol from like 12, 13, which was normal for that area. And violence was just a part of being a guy, and I couldn't stand violence. I was always a sensitive kid who was, you know, always battered, but had this the sense cowardice of shame. And when I was forced to fight, I, the rage and I would just pummel the crap out of people. If I wasn't getting pummeled. So, I- and the paranoia around, you know: Is that person approaching a block and a half way? What's their body language because I need to know whether they're going to attack me or not. So and that's what happens when you're the only one in the neighborhood, right? So, you, you have all of this anxiety and fear and drugs helps you with it, especially when you know, you're coming out of like, I was 12. That was, like '68, and all of that, were, were the years that influenced me as a, as a child. Acid was my favorite drug in, in high school, which I stopped doing maybe in grade 10, 11.

Louis Taylor  05:59

Not all addictions are necessarily negative. They can have, they're all over the place. I think some addictions are neither good or bad. Right. Like I know, for myself, I've been addicted to things that have furthered my career. They have not necessarily made people happy around me. So, there's, I do know junkies that will tell you that their their success was based on their drug intake. So, I think the the dialogue around addictions being purely negative, like anything else with the human psyche, it's it should be broadened a bit more, it's more complex a conversation than, you know, 'Oh, this is bad.' And I guess for me, my what I was striving, was describing before it was an addiction to rise beyond what someone thought was my place. That they would consider my rise, they would consider looking at me, well, what you're doing is detrimental to you, rising beyond your place, is going to bring negative ramifications to your life. Right? Anyone that was justifying segregation, anyone defining, you know, defining class, and, you know, caste, caste positions. Is, anyone on the top is going to be like, well, you know, you're doing something detrimental, your actions to rise above your place is detrimental. I mean, the ultimate that is it's detrimental to your health. And we see that carried out time and time again. Right? So, from one perspective, yeah. And from the perspective of a lot of Black folk, that are believers in that whole bootstrap thing, right? Because there's all kinds of pecking orders within Black culture as well.

L Lovell  08:04

Louis Taylor expresses an individual sentiment for a very recognizable struggle to overcome oppression. His words were segregation, class and caste. That appears to be everywhere.

Louis Taylor  08:19

But then when I went to Europe, it was like, 'Yeah, okay, let's everyone that I had connected with,' like, I didn't hang out with anyone that wasn't doing drugs. And for a lot of us, it was like, one of the coping coping mechanisms we had, as a backpacker. I ended up in Amsterdam, doing a lot of drugs, and ended up broke and decided I had no interest in working in a laundromat or as a busboy. There was a lot of racism. This is '78 in Amsterdam, and I was, I'd had enough of it in Canada. I didn't want to put up with it and Amsterdam. So with my fuck-the-system attitude, I got involved with international gang of car traffickers, and drug dealers, drug traffickers, and I ended up hustling and car hustling cars from Amsterdam. We were supposed to end up in Istanbul. I got busted in, in Switzerland, in Lausanne. And I was busted with the leader of the the Western- it was an international gang; they, they were all over the place. And the guy that was running the European version was hardcore, and I got busted with them. 

Louis Taylor  09:49

So anyways, my first night in prison was, was a complex cocktail of emotions. But I was crying and laughing at the same time, because, you know, coming out of that, that gray zone of Canadian identity, especially Black Canadian identity and trying to, try to trying to rise above that; and with my fuck-the-system attitude, I put myself in a position where, okay, this is this is black and white as you can get, what are you going to do in this situation? So for me, I put myself in a make it or break it, situation. That's one of the gifts of prison and like, wow, there are people out there, that make your problems seem a little bit weak. Um, it gives you perspective, right? Like, if you're in a cell 23 -- well, there's a 15-minute walk -- and you're in that cell, 23 hours and 45 minutes with a raving speed freak, you're like, like, you know, you get a perspective on other people's lives. You may want to kill them. Right? And I was very lucky in prison, like when I was in situations, where I could have committed an action that would have maybe seen me getting out around now, there was a guard, or someone who cut me enough slack, uh, to move, move me out of that cell or, or do whatever, right, that I did not fall into the hole that so many people in prison fall into. And like, the reason they're in prison is all the things I've already, you know, I've just talked about. That's a reason they're in prison. And you- and when you talk to people who are really in the depths of that experience, like I was a lightweight, and I was only in for a year and a half, you know, and I didn't have a criminal background. So, I was just like, I was a tourist, compared to some of the lifers in there. And man, you you see the psychic where-  and I grew up with some of these people, right? The psychic where they already have actually have relatives, like that have gone through this, where you see it, and they're three or four. Right? And you already know it's over. It's over for this person. Right? So being around that, I can look at my pain, and you know, you need to put your shit and perspective, right? Because I'm not an island. And I think when when people are in the midst of it, they're on an island of their own, right?  And they're not seeing varying degrees. But that man, that island is pretty universal. It's like, you're not seeing the nation state, the world of fuckery that's going on because you think you're on an island. 

L Lovell  13:29

Over time, Louis Taylor has managed to build community around himself and move on.

Louis Taylor  13:40

I, I live in a very urban bougie neighbourhood at this point, like smaller houses, but you know, downtown Toronto, really expensive real estate. And our backyard fronts on service alley, just north of Queen West, the back of the buildings faces our backyard with all the fire escapes. And there was young Black dude sitting on one of the fire escapes as I was coming through. And he had that attitude that I knew from, you know, prison and just being being around bad boys and sometimes having to be a bad boy. It was just that like, I can't even do it anymore. Too far removed from it, but just that like Yeah, I know you're looking like that defensive shell that young black men take on from both the age of 10 to 12, right, when the hoodies go up and they're surrounded by the lakes of negativity that become an ocean. And getting his- well, in the Black community, right, especially if they wear Hip Hop gear. Anyways, he had that defensive fear-based look on his face. That challenge, right? And I kind of smiled at him and walked by, and then I thought, Nah, man, let's not leave this. So I walked out, looked at him and said, 'Hey, what's up?' And we started having a conversation, and he had just gotten out of prison. Right? And we share this time, and by the end of it, you know, he went from, to, like, you know, complete engagement. And when we split, like, that's, I don't know what what happened to him. I mean, you know, whatever. But he had the moment. He had gotten the moment from me, other people have given me. Right. Where someone heard him, right. Someone actually met his eyes, someone showed compassion. I can tell you from my own personal experience that is so important. 

Louis Taylor  15:57

Having someone get beyond that bad norm that you're used to; that judgment of: You are a danger, you are a threat, you are shit, with human beings, right? We're constantly in a state of recognizing place through certain social cues that are completely unconscious; like women do it around men, men do it with each other. Right? Like across the board, we're doing that kind of flexion you know, recognition of power thing. And getting to a point where you can use manners, niceness, all of that stuff -- without it being a show of weakness -- that takes a long time to develop. Right. So that you don't feel diminished. Like so many people -- like that lone-wolf thing -- right, have that thing of: If I show kindness, I'm diminishing myself. I'm making myself weak, I'm making myself a victim, which essentially you are until you develop the skill set, right? How do you find empowerment through niceness? Through being nice. How do you weaponize it so it doesn't reduce you?